A Time of Silence and A New Day Dawning

Silence has been a blessing over these last few months. It's been an opportunity to commune with my God, my spirit and my voice. It's interesting.  When we strip away the expectations of others, we are left with the true essence of who we were created to be. How many of us try to be what others need so much that we lose that sacred connection with our own heart? Sometimes when we're in the throws of helping others with their pain, we neglect to acknowledge the pain we may be in ourselves.

Most of my last 14 years have been surrounded by caring for someone who was ill. Within the span of 3 years my father, both grandmothers and the family cat passed away. During this same time my mother was so ill that we almost lost her as well. Because I was in survival mode, I didn't take the time to deal with the crushing weight of loss.  Day by day this loss, unbeknownst to me, was settling in my soul. Taking time to process the experience is the last thing on your mind when you're just trying to make it through each day.  Those emotions, whether you realize it or not, have to go somewhere.

It's not that I didn't process and accept the passing of those I loved, but my heart had not been able to release the sheer exhaustion of those years. Death had taken up residence in the walls of my home, but I had no idea it was there. I began to feel very resentful towards those who found it easy to be conveniently unavailable. With no other help or assistance, loneliness became an ever present force that could not be shaken.

I had no idea how strong this force had become. Dreams, ideas and passions were there, but I couldn't seem to progress beyond the middle stage. Sometimes a venture would actually begin to flourish and for some reason I would let go. Family and friends would ask how business was going and my comment was usually, "It's coming...new projects are in the works!"

Sigh...and how true that was. There was ALWAYS a new idea, a new design, but following through to the very end had me baffled! I couldn't seem to put all of the heart and passion into action. My blog started off on a great note, but soon the momentum faded and with it my "voice."  It's a pretty miserable place to be. You have all of this head knowledge, but it's not connecting with your heart because your heart is blocked by pain.

Then a few weeks ago I was confronted with the sadness in my soul. I wanted to know why I was having such a challenge moving forward. And so I prayed...and prayed....and prayed. Much of my time was spent in silence just listening and waiting. Then one day it was as if God released a dam that had blocked all of those tears from these last many years!!! I cried like I had never cried before...you know, one of those ugly cries that you just can't stop. A very attractive moment (:

Within the span of a few minutes all of the pent up emotions from my father's death, my grandmothers' deaths, the fear of my mother's passing, the pain of isolation that caregiving can bring, the loneliness that creeps in when no one really understands what you're going through...everything was felt all at once! All at once!! And then it was gone!! My time of silence was over. The burdensome weight was lifted and it was replaced with peace. I felt like me again.

At this same time relationships were beginning to fall away and break apart...relationships that I didn't want to let go. People I loved and in whom I invested time suddenly became vengeful and downright mean. I didn't recognize them anymore...or was it that I was looking through the glasses of need and expectation for this long?

I was so busy helping and being all available in these relationships that I couldn't see I had neglected to set up boundaries. Where there are no boundaries, there is little respect...and so I let go, shaking the dust from my feet. Peace immediately followed yet again.

New relationships started coming out of the woodwork! A cousin I now consider a sister became a new best friend, online relationships began to flourish, mentors and those offering guidance seemed to appear on a daily basis! I was open to myself and therefore others were open to me (: I joined a writers group which led to participating in our local Luncheon Literary Society and met the most creative, supportive and positive people! These ladies are so fun and you can't help but be encouraged around them (:

Most recently I've had the honor of being able to participate in The Art of Action workshop developed by Tara Gentile of Scoutie Girl. It's "designed to be a professional kick in the pants, a constant reminder that what you have is enough and an affirmation of your ability to do what needs to be done." I'll talk more about this amazing opportunity tomorrow!!

So, in a nut shell...I'm free and ready to face new challenges ahead. It's all about being patient with yourself, waiting expectantly and having a willing heart. So if you find yourself in that stuck place and your dreams aren't quite happening, don't give up, look within, embrace your heart and reach out to others. You don't have to feel alone in this process. It can be messy, heart wrenching and you may go into that "ugly cry mode" once in a while, but it's well worth the runny mascara (:

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" ~ Habakkuk 2:3

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Week Twelve Update - I'm Back!!!

Well, after almost 4 weeks I'm back!! I still have more healing to do, but am able to type and use my hands again so I am blessed!! Thank you so much for all of the notes and emails of encouragement. They helped more than you'll ever know (:

This past month has been another time set apart and an interesting journey, one that has brought health as the only focus.

I'm a stress/emotional eater. Always have been. Being the caregiver of an adult family member can take a toll if you don't have a support system. Going from caring for Grandmother for 10 years, then Dad and next Mom after Dad's passing...let's just say emotional eating kicked in big time! Over the years I put on a huge amount of weight!!

After Dad died I knew it was time to make a change, but wasn't ready to totally commit to a clean diet. I have wheat and dairy sensitivities so eating gluten free and raw/organic milk and cheeses is the only way to go.

Even though many changes have been made on this simplifying journey, a clean diet has been one of the areas I was putting off. I was eating lots of sugar, wheat, cheese, milk - most of it conventional and by March 7th my body had had enough!!
Both of my hands became swollen three times their normal size, my eyes were almost swollen shut and my lips looked like a collagen injection gone wrong (: Slight movements would cause the skin to crack and bleed...not a fun experience. The pain was almost unbearable at times, but God had a plan...

As I posted, the first week of March most of my time was spent going through paper clutter that had been sitting in bins and boxes for years. This was am emotional process. My system was already out of balance due to the foods consumed and the emotional stress of finally dealing with the clutter sent my body over the edge. I know the mind, body, spirit connection is very powerful, but this experience has shown me how toxic negative thoughts and memories can be if we don't deal with them and learn new ways of processing.

I quickly made a change in diet, eating only vegetables and meat for the first three weeks and took the appropriate cocktail of herbal supplements to help the healing process. After three weeks I added in low sugar fruits. For the first two weeks I could do nothing but take vinegar baths, recite healing scripture over and over and pray. You begin to appreciate the simple things...taking a bath without it causing pain...the simple act of washing your hair...being able to use a fork to eat...going for a walk outside to get fresh air...petting the pups...these things become precious when they disappear.
Most of the journey was about keeping positive and knowing that God was working to heal me. I had to quit looking at the painful cracked and bleeding skin and focused on the internal healing that was taking place. By the end of the second week I was able to use my hands to hold a book and immediately began reading "Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions" by Dr. Caroline Leaf. AMAZING book!! A MUST read. She helps you...

• Learn how toxic thoughts are like poison and how to identify “The Dirty Dozen,” twelve areas of toxic thinking in our lives.
• Sweep away “The Dirty Dozen” by breaking the cycle of toxic thinking.
• Uncover how your thoughts can actually start to improve every area of your life – your relationships, your health and even your success.

87% to 95% of the illnesses that plague us today are a direct result of our thought life. What we think about affects us physically and emotionally. Through an uncontrolled thought life, we create the conditions for illness and we make ourselves sick!
Research shows that fear, all on its own, triggers more than 1,400 known physical and chemical responses and activates more than 30 different hormones. There are INTELLECTUAL and MEDICAL reasons to FORGIVE! Toxic waste generated by toxic thoughts causes the following illnesses: diabetes, cancer, asthma, skin problems and allergies to name just a few.

Medical research increasingly points to the fact that thinking and consciously controlling your thought life is one of the best ways, if not the best way of detoxing your brain. It allows you to get rid of those toxic thoughts and emotions that can consume and control your mind.

So God got my attention and FAST!! Isn't that usually how it happens? We put off the things we know we should do until they become so horrible that they DEMAND our attention. Because of this clean way of eating I've lost 21 pounds in three weeks, removed all sugar and wheat from my diet and only fresh veggies, low sugar fruits, a few nuts, healthy oils (coconut, olive and flaxseed) and meats free of antibiotics and hormones remain.

After a few months I'll add pure maple syrup and honey, the rest of the fruits and raw milk and cheese back into the plan as well. And I have to say, I don't miss the junk! Having your body slap you upside and down again quickly gives perspective! There is no desire to eat in the old way (: Thank you Father!!!!!

So not only is God simplifying my environment, wardrobe, play time and work life, but I had no idea He would make such a dramatic and quick impact on simplifying my health by decluttering my thought life and kitchen pantry (: It's so good to be back!



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