The Lesson in Losing Almost Everything

As you know, back in July we were faced with an unexpected move. What should have been a simple transition, ended up becoming a life shifting experience.  Not only was our move in motion, but at the same time two family reunions were scheduled smack dab in the middle of those last few days. Perfect timing, eh? (:  Moving has never been on my list of favorite things to do and even though I still have a lot to learn about the art of moving prep, I have gotten better over the last few years.

We had already started the purging and organizing process several weeks prior so there would be a lot less to haul around. We decided to put a few larger pieces into storage ahead of time so the smaller pieces could be placed in and around for better space usage. Since I work from home, the studio and smaller items would be moved on the last day to get everything in one shot. All seemed to be in order...or so we thought.

We found the perfect home in just the right spot for our business and at a great price for the location. This little gem of a house had been sitting on the market for several years and the owners thought renting would be better than a cottage sitting empty. They were even open to us enhancing the design of the home and planting gardens. Yes! The dream of our homesteading cottage in this lovely little town was soon to be a reality...but on the day we were to sign the lease the owner had some bad news - He had just received an offer and decided to sell the home. It was an offer they couldn't pass up and so we were on the search again for our new home...2 days before we needed to be out of our apartment! But that wasn't the last of the bad news.

Our apartment complex had a service that would pick up donated items and take them to a local charity. Not only was it convenient, but it was a blessing to have another chance at giving again. Double win! We let them know the charity truck could come by Tuesday and scheduled our move-out date for Monday. We also decided to lessen the stress and stay in a hotel for the weekend so we could have beds in which to lay our weary heads during the family reunion filled weekend (:

Well, sometimes things don't quite happen the way we plan...To make a long story short, come Monday the apartment had been emptied. Somehow the new weekend guy thought the items we left in the apartment were meant to be donated and scheduled a donation pick-up for Saturday. Needless to say Monday was a shocker.

Everything was gone. All of our clothes, shoes, bags, cherished mementoes, decor, curtains, bedding, towels, photos, furniture, jewelry, flat screen TVs, electronics, pots, pans, ALL of my studio items including computer, files, kiln, jewelry tools, drills, torches, silver, gold, gemstones...it was all gone and instantly I was out of business.

We all made attempts to contact the charity to see if some of the items could be reclaimed, but everything had been dispersed over the weekend and shipped out to separate branches. It would be virtually impossible to locate where anything ended up. Apologies were given, but the damage was done. We were left with only the clothes on our backs and a few odds and ends that we had taken to the hotel for the weekend. We were homeless, dazed and exhausted and had no idea our weekend stay in a hotel would end up lasting four months.

I think I was in utter shock for the first few hours and then panic set in...how in the world are we going to replace all of that stuff!!! I can't begin to start over in business yet again! What are we going to do?!! But that panic only lasted for a moment. We had just lost most of our possessions, but this still small voice was saying, "Do you trust me? There's an amazing lesson in this if you choose to see it."

Great...yet another lesson (; We're usually tired, irritated and annoyed when these life shifting moments pop up, aren't we? They appear at the most inconvenient of times, take tons of gumption to move past and are usually moving in the exact opposite direction of where we want to go...hence the learning moment (: I decided to believe this experience happened for a reason and some great epiphany would be gained through it all.

Around this same time several communities had just been devastated by tornadoes. Our situation was quickly put into perspective. Our things were gone, but they were going to support charity. We may have lost most of what we owned, but not everything. We were blessed and I knew it. It's just stuff. We're alive, we have a roof and a bed for the moment and we're safe. Take the next step and move forward...stuff is just stuff and is not the core of why we are here on this earth.

When the stuff we hold to disappears, it makes way for new room to grow. It not only expands our minds, but our vision as well and so we made the choice to trust. For the next many weeks we were on a soul changing learning curve and one we would cherish for months to come.

With Gratitude,

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A Time of Silence and A New Day Dawning

Silence has been a blessing over these last few months. It's been an opportunity to commune with my God, my spirit and my voice. It's interesting.  When we strip away the expectations of others, we are left with the true essence of who we were created to be. How many of us try to be what others need so much that we lose that sacred connection with our own heart? Sometimes when we're in the throws of helping others with their pain, we neglect to acknowledge the pain we may be in ourselves.

Most of my last 14 years have been surrounded by caring for someone who was ill. Within the span of 3 years my father, both grandmothers and the family cat passed away. During this same time my mother was so ill that we almost lost her as well. Because I was in survival mode, I didn't take the time to deal with the crushing weight of loss.  Day by day this loss, unbeknownst to me, was settling in my soul. Taking time to process the experience is the last thing on your mind when you're just trying to make it through each day.  Those emotions, whether you realize it or not, have to go somewhere.

It's not that I didn't process and accept the passing of those I loved, but my heart had not been able to release the sheer exhaustion of those years. Death had taken up residence in the walls of my home, but I had no idea it was there. I began to feel very resentful towards those who found it easy to be conveniently unavailable. With no other help or assistance, loneliness became an ever present force that could not be shaken.

I had no idea how strong this force had become. Dreams, ideas and passions were there, but I couldn't seem to progress beyond the middle stage. Sometimes a venture would actually begin to flourish and for some reason I would let go. Family and friends would ask how business was going and my comment was usually, "It's coming...new projects are in the works!"

Sigh...and how true that was. There was ALWAYS a new idea, a new design, but following through to the very end had me baffled! I couldn't seem to put all of the heart and passion into action. My blog started off on a great note, but soon the momentum faded and with it my "voice."  It's a pretty miserable place to be. You have all of this head knowledge, but it's not connecting with your heart because your heart is blocked by pain.

Then a few weeks ago I was confronted with the sadness in my soul. I wanted to know why I was having such a challenge moving forward. And so I prayed...and prayed....and prayed. Much of my time was spent in silence just listening and waiting. Then one day it was as if God released a dam that had blocked all of those tears from these last many years!!! I cried like I had never cried before...you know, one of those ugly cries that you just can't stop. A very attractive moment (:

Within the span of a few minutes all of the pent up emotions from my father's death, my grandmothers' deaths, the fear of my mother's passing, the pain of isolation that caregiving can bring, the loneliness that creeps in when no one really understands what you're going through...everything was felt all at once! All at once!! And then it was gone!! My time of silence was over. The burdensome weight was lifted and it was replaced with peace. I felt like me again.

At this same time relationships were beginning to fall away and break apart...relationships that I didn't want to let go. People I loved and in whom I invested time suddenly became vengeful and downright mean. I didn't recognize them anymore...or was it that I was looking through the glasses of need and expectation for this long?

I was so busy helping and being all available in these relationships that I couldn't see I had neglected to set up boundaries. Where there are no boundaries, there is little respect...and so I let go, shaking the dust from my feet. Peace immediately followed yet again.

New relationships started coming out of the woodwork! A cousin I now consider a sister became a new best friend, online relationships began to flourish, mentors and those offering guidance seemed to appear on a daily basis! I was open to myself and therefore others were open to me (: I joined a writers group which led to participating in our local Luncheon Literary Society and met the most creative, supportive and positive people! These ladies are so fun and you can't help but be encouraged around them (:

Most recently I've had the honor of being able to participate in The Art of Action workshop developed by Tara Gentile of Scoutie Girl. It's "designed to be a professional kick in the pants, a constant reminder that what you have is enough and an affirmation of your ability to do what needs to be done." I'll talk more about this amazing opportunity tomorrow!!

So, in a nut shell...I'm free and ready to face new challenges ahead. It's all about being patient with yourself, waiting expectantly and having a willing heart. So if you find yourself in that stuck place and your dreams aren't quite happening, don't give up, look within, embrace your heart and reach out to others. You don't have to feel alone in this process. It can be messy, heart wrenching and you may go into that "ugly cry mode" once in a while, but it's well worth the runny mascara (:

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" ~ Habakkuk 2:3

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Abundance During Tough Times

Tough times...it seems to be a common thread in many of our discussions today.  Topics of job loss, cut wages, lay-offs and downsizing can be a pattern interrupt to the concept of the daily grind.  If you've ever experienced any of these life altering events, the daily grind doesn't seem so bad, eh?  Everything in perspective (:

We all know leaner times are at hand for many of us...it happens.  When the tide rolls in, it must also roll back out to the sea.  Nothing ever stays the same, which is a good thing.  It gives us the opportunity to discover hidden treasures left behind by the constant movement of waves as they crash the shores of life over and over again.  We have just gone through this ebb and flow period ourselves and find our income reduced by 75%.  The "old me" would have panicked at the thought of such a thing, especially during Christmas, but the "wiser me" has been filled with thoughts of abundance.

Now, I have to be honest...my first response was a bit in the realm of frazzled nerves, but it soon gave way to comfort in the hands of a loving God who knows our every need.  He's taken care of us so far...why would He drop the ball now?  (:

This journey of simplicity over the last year has been a great teacher.  Being thankful for the many blessings already present, learning how to prepare a whole foods pantry, reducing debt and expenses, making things instead of rushing out to purchase new items, buying used and saving the difference, repairing instead of tossing, creating handmade treasures, cherishing time spent at home, streamlining products to make sure they pull double-duty, appreciating the art of frugality, letting go of things to honor what really matters, getting rid of clutter to make room for new ideas and possibilities...all of these things have created such an air of abundance that lack can't even enter the space (:

So if you find yourself in tough times, take heart and know that many of us are traveling right beside you on this journey.  It might seem as if your world is crashing in around you, but just put one foot in front of the other and move forward no matter how devastating it may feel.  Keep your eyes open because possibilities abound to those who think outside of the box.  Don't allow your current circumstances to overwhelm the blessings that are waiting to be discovered.  When we operate in thankfulness and have gratitude in our hearts, it opens the door to abundance.

This Christmas will be a simple one, but isn't that really the way Christmas should be celebrated?  Sad to say these days the focus tends to be on the gifts, food and fun times instead of abundant thankfulness for the greatest gift of all...Jesus.  Over the next two weeks I'll bring you into our home to show how we're choosing to celebrate this year...decorating, gift giving, organizing, etc.  Hopefully our simple, frugal Christmas will inspire and encourage others to seek out a different way of embracing the holidays...a way that allows abundance to shine forth, even in tough times (:

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What to do when you life vision falls flat Part 2

I don't know what it is, but the moon gives clarity for the soul. My post from yesterday was unfinished and no matter how many times the thing was tweaked, it still wasn't coming together (: So I thought I'd let it sit for a day and come back. A walk in the moonlight and encouragement from lovely friends who left comments helped to bring things together. I asked a couple of questions..."Ever have your life planned out only for things to take a totally different direction? Did you have a vision of how things would unfold and now life is not playing nice with the dream?"

Actually, I'm in the middle of this wonderful dichotomy...yes, I said wonderful even though this past week hasn't felt so wonderful. The vision for my life was to go to college, find my soulmate, graduate, get married, find a great job, buy a cute cottage, have kids and face the challenges of life as a family. Well, that hasn't happened.

At the time I was okay with it because the focus was taking care of Grandmother. But when you turn 40, begin to evaluate things and see everyone else moving on while you're still at the starting gate, the sadness can be overwhelming...especially when it comes to having children. It's even harder when siblings and cousins begin to breach that realm and you watch as their families grow. Don't get me wrong. The opportunities have been there, but each time God said, "No, not yet. Wait." {Sigh}

Now almost half way through my one year challenge, those feelings have come back with a vengeance. "Why God? Why am I still waiting? Why am I having to take the long path while everyone else around me seems to have the life of which I've always dreamed? You do realize, God, that if I wait much longer the possibility of having children dwindles." (: But just as He has asked in the past, "Be happy for the blessings of others and celebrate their joys even in the midst of your own pain. Your time will come soon enough." {BIG Sigh}

So, what's the plan here? To be honest...I have no idea. God is an out-of-the-box kinda guy and on the surface things may not make sense, but He's guiding my every step. This may sound odd, but through all the mourning over a life of unexpected twists and turns, I'm more confident and content than ever before. During this time my faith has grown by leaps and bounds. God has drawn me closer to Him, allowed the healing of old wounds and opened new doors that were never thought possible.

You see, when we let go of our vision and open ourselves to God's vision, a design greater than we could ever imagine will come forth. We might have lost a loved one, a marriage might have crumbled, the scholarship for school might not have come through, the baby we were expecting might have been lost, the cancer that was once gone might have back or maybe the job we've had for 15 years is no longer there...life is full of things that throw us for a loop and make us question the meaning of it all. There will be times of questioning and frustration.

I've been there this week, but I've asked for a life bigger than my hands could design...the life that God has always wanted for me. With that comes a lot of work on my part plus the willingness to let go of the old vision of yesterday.

I've accepted the long, narrow path and can see where I'm headed, I just don't like where I am at the moment. It's the dreaded "in-betweens." That place that feels like perpetual limbo when we've left the old life behind and we're half way to the new. We can see the possibilities, hopes and dreams taking shape right on the horizon, but the journey through this leg of the path is not yet finished and there's still more climbing to do.

So, if you find yourself in the in-betweens here are some tips that have helped me:

1. Spend time in prayer each day. Meditate and connect with the One who is working on your behalf behind the scenes.


2. Love yourself. Okay, I know this one sounds corny, but you have to appreciate the beauty of you! You are in the world for a purpose and it wouldn't be the same without you! Honor yourself by nurturing the lovely person you are. It will allow you, in turn, to love others more deeply.


3. Focus on the blessings you've already encountered. What is going right in your life? Make a list and review it each day.


4. Reach out to help others. There's nothing better for the soul than helping those in need.


5. Gather a circle of close friends. Share your heart with those who love and care about you. On those days when you feel weak, they can be of great counsel and support.


6. Memorize scripture that is specific to your situation. Quote it as you go about your day. You'll be surprised by the energy and lift it gives.


7. Do something fun. It doesn't matter what it is, just do something that makes you smile. The sillier the better (:


8. Just let go. You need to embrace the sadness that you might be experiencing, but don't let it overpower your spirit. Take the time you need to grieve (it's different for everyone) and then move forward. Let go of how things used to be and look towards the possibilities.


9. Set goals. Set some short and long term goals that keep you moving forward. It could be one thing a week or maybe even one thing a month. Just do something.


10. Practice forgiveness. To live in a world filled with people means to live with the possibility that you will be hurt. By forgiving those that hurt us, it opens the heart to love. Forgiving doesn't mean that what has happened is okay and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong, it just means that we allow healing to come into the mix which brings a peace that can help us move forward.

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Week Nine Update

The majority of the work this week was dealing with paper. Piles and boxes of it. Things that should have been dealt with long ago, but were put in boxes, labeled and stored away to be organized and filed at a later date. While working through these papers an odd thing happened. I regressed emotionally. Has this ever happened to you?

It started with the items I found from 2007. That was the year my father passed away. I found cards and notes he had written me. I read through the planner used to keep track of all the things the doctor was saying, notes on questions to ask the nurses, info on the medicines he would need, the rehab instructions for when he returned home.

Then I came across cards from my grandmother (dad's mom). My father did not have a close relationship with his family and as a result neither did we. Whenever we were around them there was this "outsider" feeling that was very strong. My uncle, aunt and cousins were treated in much higher regard and the difference was very apparent. I didn't notice these differences until adulthood. It can throw you for a loop when you realize your childhood experiences were a little different than you imagined.

Next I found a journal from 14 years ago. At the time I was contemplating a career change and desperately wanting to connect with the creative side of myself. The writings described a young woman struggling with the hollow feelings of not knowing what to do next and the sadness of not being in her calling. This was interesting...because I'm exactly where that woman of 14 years ago was so craving to be.

The last thing that brought forth extreme emotion was the rough draft of a letter written to my Mother's mom. Grandmother was my heart and one of my best friends. Hearing her voice, holding her hand and sharing the desires of my heart with her is greatly missed. She had the beautiful ability to just be in a room and lighten the energy with her very presence. Grandmother was one of the few who saw the real me - she got me (: She was wise, gracious, fun, joyful...and I love her so.

It's interesting how God gives us the time we need to heal. Things that might have sent us over the edge years ago can later be looked at with an objective eye. Sometimes it's good to reflect on things that have long healed because we need to see how far we've come. We need to see how God has worked in our lives. That woven tapestry of many hurts, losses, joys, great expectations, they all make a complete work of art. If one thread was missing, the tapestry would not be the same.

So today, I am thankful for past hurts, dreams shattered only to be rebuilt, for new friends and old friends, and the new found inspirations that cause my spirit to soar. For all of these blessings have helped me to grow into the confident woman that I have become. If one thread was missing from this journey, I would not be the same...and the journey is getting more exciting by the day (:

So if there are papers and boxes and bins that are sitting in the dark corners of your home, bring them out in the light of day and go through them. You may be surprised at how far you've come on your own journey (:



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Week Five Update

This past week has been a challenging one. I suspected change was in the air, but had no idea this was in store. My Mom's beloved cat Charlie passed away Thursday and the house hasn't been the same since. We had no idea he was sick, but his condition progressed from a visit to the vet on Wednesday to his passing on Thursday.

Mom adopted Charlie when a co-worker was trying to find a home for him. He had been abandoned by his owner and was cast out to fend for himself. How in the world someone could close their hearts and home to this little snuggle bunny I will never understand.

Charlie fast became a fixture in our home and my two little doxies loved him so. They would snuggle together on the pups pillows in front of the fireplace and of course shared meal times together. The above photo is the crew waiting for their morning vittles.

Mom adopted Charlie two months after my Father passed away and he helped to heal a spot in our hearts that ached from loss. His gentle touches, playful pounces, window nestling and chattering meows will be missed. Now our hearts turn to heal from the loss we feel from his passing. It's amazing how the little furry members of our families can have so much of our hearts.

"The eyes of the Lord are on me, and His ears are open to my cry...When I cry out, the Lord hears, and delivers me out of all my troubles." ~ Psalm 34:15,17



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Change

My Mother's favorite saying is "No one likes change but a baby with a dirty diaper." How true, how true. We get set in our patterns and when they're challenged, even when we're the one initiating the change, the balance we're used to throws us back for a loop. We regroup, make the needed tweaks in our plan and move forward. I'm not sure what it is about this week, but I feel changes are ahead and it's not the type I was anticipating when this year challenge began. It's the kind that brings sadness.

We've had a lot of transition within the last few years in our family and it can throw you off kilter if you let it. 2007 my father passed away, Mom fell deathly ill that same year and almost died and then 2008 brought the death of both of my Grandmothers during the Christmas holidays. 2009 was about healing, recovery and doing things in a different way, but now I find myself feeling that same "changing" sense from the previous years flooding my spirit again.

We all face moments of change...sometimes everyday. The key is to have a consistent foundation of some sort. Faith has been that consistency for me. No matter what craziness may be fluttering about, I know that God has things under control. It may be messy and not so pleasant at times, but just knowing He's taking care of things brings comfort.

If you're going through a time that seems to be coming at you from every side, know that even during these unsettling moments you have a soft place to fall in a Father who cares. You can come to Him at any time and He will hold your heart through it all.

"I am not anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guards my heart and my mind in Jesus Christ." ~ Philippians 4:6-7



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